Saturday, December 13, 2014

Live on Youtube!

Satu Pangkat Tiga, A Film by Adil Nan Damai Production. A group of kids from SMA Labschool Cibubur attends to make a comedy movie for the first time. This movie had won an award for "Best Movie", "Best Actor" and "Best Co-Star" and got nominated for "Best Movie Trailer", "Best Script", and "Best Poster" from Labschool Movie Awards 2014. An annual movie festival held by Labschool Cibubur. Watch it and enjoy! And if you enjoy it please give it a thumbs up and comment what you think should Satu Pangkat Tiga part 2 be like next!

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Self Visualization???

If you were to paint your self on a big canvas, how would it be like? If you had all the skills an artist could have, how would you draw your life? How do you see yourself? 

That's not so easy. I'm currently struggling through life now. I see myself as a small fish in an ocean that you don't want to catch, I see myself as a tiny piece of crumbles that you don't wanna eat, I see myself as a rotten candy on the back of the shelf that you don't even notice it's there. And how you see yourself effects on how others see you. I know that I really do. But it's still hard for me to go out there. I still wanna stay in this comfort zone, in this little place I call home. I'm scared to see what's out there cause there's too many things going on. I have my lovers my best friends, but that's not enough.

In high school, I'm always in that "It Girls" squad but I'm always on the bottom list. I've always been that least person anyone wants to hang out with. One of my best friend once said "If we weren't nice to you, you'd be anti-social" and that one harsh words is still hanging around my head even though she said it a year ago. I always want to try to open up more but not everybody can see "me". There's this one girl who hates me and that girl happens to have the power to make everybody else hate me too. I depend too much on people. I sacrifice too much. When I don't even get anything in return.

I've never been in the center stage, I've never been the spotlight. I'm always that one girl you never notice in a crowd of screaming fans. Sometimes it distresses me cause I can't be me around specific people sometimes. When all I wanted is for people to see me, because I know there's a side of me that is amusing and interesting, I just need to show it.

But somehow, everything's hard. I'm having a hard time trusting. My life is so plain at the moment. The only thing that makes me happy is my lover. I am so lucky to have him. He accepts me, and tells me about the things I shouldn't do and things I should do. I'm still lucky to have someone who understands and accepts me.

So I paint life as an ocean, plain and beautiful at once outside, but there's a lot of going on in the inside, you just need to dive in and see to enjoy it.

P.s. take me back to this island 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

The Facts Tag

Remember back when the #20FactsTag were booming on instagram? I just wanted to share a little bit more here:) But I'm not gonna right down 20 facts (well I could but I just don't want to)

1. I have and older brother Andika and he's annoying yet he wont admit that he's annoying that's why he's annoying and that's where I got my annoyingness, from him. He's 6 years older than me, well 6 and a half. We barely meet each other now with all the work and school business, when he comes home i'm probably already asleep, when I get up and get ready for school, he's probably still asleep. But whenever he comes home early he always comes to my room and asks "You miss me?" and I never admit I do hahah. We barely fight I can't remember the last time we were fighting for something. I guess we're not those typical brother-sister streotypes who always fights and hates each other but actually cares and loves one another.

2. I'm in to photography and vlogs. I never noticed it from the start but when I got in OSIS I started to love it and now I'm asking for a new DSLR cause the old one is wrecked. Currently saving money to buy a polaroid camera too. I don't know what's the thing about me and polaroids but I just love the way it turns out to, sadly, I don't own one. I wish to have one before I graduate highschool and die young. I'm also in to interior designing since I was a little girl. Remember those games you used to play online? I always search on "Barbie House Designing" and go crazy I could go for hours just playing that game.

3. Not really in to reading books like novels or so, but I do like books that motivates us like Austin Kleons. I know our brain is like a knife, you need to sharpen it for it to still function perfectly. But somehow there's no connection between me and heavy readings. I always get my informations and stuffs I need to know via Internet. I always google on articles and read blogs, well that's just like reading books I guess? I need to read more. I like the feeling of reading a book and be like "Oh! That is so true" and "Oh! I never knew that after all this time" so any book recommedation? I would love to read more.

4. I listen to any song on my playlist, I don't care if its mainstream or not, if I like it, I'd listen to it. But when I'm bored with my playlist I go on youtube and search "Best Of.." or Youtube recommendations.

5. I get most of my inspirations from people, we heart it,  and I have this little book with inspirations in it. I rarely blog nowadays cause nobody reads blogs anymore, well nobody ever did. Blogging were never a thing for the social media but somehow I like it. It's the only getaway I have to escape this mad world. Now I have trouble with expressing my thoughts because lately I feel absolutely nothing, I feel raw, I feel as if there's nothing quite amusing enough to wake up my brain and feel alive. That's why I wanna try youtubing. Who knows by expressing myself on vlogs even more could give my brain a little wake up call. But before youtube I need to take some speech practices cause I speak weirdly and I get all tongue twisted everytime I say something fast. I hate it when they make fun of my tongue, like seriously, just accept the way I say things and we both won't be disturbed. But at the same time I know I have to change for a better me.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

You? Yes, you.

I'm fed up. I'm a mess. I'm all over the place. I've been over thinking things way too much, and I know I should've been caring about my surroundings but the truth is, the more you care, the more you feel you have to lose. I haven't been sleeping properly recently, unless I'm really really tired from school. There is not a single day where I haven't cried my eyes out. My heart is being really really sensible and I just don't know what to feel. Losing friends is the worst thing that could happen right now.

I failed.

The worst thing in life is feeling that you failed to do something you should've been ass-kicking. A tiniest feeling of failure makes you feel as if you failed at life. At the end of the day, it's just a bad day, not a bad life. I need my life back. Being in high school is a pain in the ass.

When you, you're the only one who has the privilege to change my mood, to make me happy, to make me sad. To make me feel insecure, yet to make me feel on top. To make me jealous, to make me feel like i'm the luckiest girl in the world. To make a sin, to make a vow. To make a courtesy of my attitude, to make me selfish. To let me be me, even at my worst.

You see that little girl over there? She might be happy, she might be sad, she might not give a fuck to the world and there's no in between.
I miss times where look is not a problem, everyone were friends, you wouldn't have to find a topic to talk about cause you can talk about anything that pops in your mind. Feeling disappointed is not in your dictionary and you feel as if everyone loves you.

If the purge anarchy was real and I was in the middle of the annual purge anarchy, I already have a list of people to purge on. The people who killed my happiness. 

Friday, June 27, 2014

The Not-So-Good Opportunity Taker

So this is me swallowing my pride and trying as much as I can to not finish the lyric because the purpose of writing that line isn't that, I didn't mean to sing it in any particular way. Sorry Taylor. Carry on. Lately I've been busy as a bee being a dedicated labschool student, following all the programs and stuff and even being one of the candidates for the osis committee, wippieee you never thought a girl like me could be in a well-structured organization cause ... well cause .. i d k. To top it all of I went hiking last week and reach the summit with my Pecinta Alam group, Vabishaka. I would give you any evidence but the video isn't up yet, I'm still in the middle of editing but I can't continue cause I have to study for finals YES I am going through a higher grade which is the year 11. I don't know whether to be happy or sad or anywhere in between I just am.

I can't wait to actually have the time for my own again. But the real question right now is, when, on earth, is that ever gonna happen? I feel like my most days are dedicated to do things for other people and if I do something for my self I'm doing it for other people too. Change subjects. I'm in the training for being the best osis secretary there ever existed and I need to proof to the world that I can change and prove them wrong about what others see in me. I know I currently have a weak image but everything can change. I know in all my blog posts I always tell you how ungrateful I am, and I always talk about my insecurities but that's the thing about blogs, I blog when I'm depressed and now I have a lot of things in my mind that I just gotta let out. I come home everyday, crying, well not really crying but heartbrokenly look my self in the mirror and regret all the stuffs I could've done and should've but didn't. Wow I am the most ego-est person cause there is no sentence in the whole entire blog without the word I. and YES i did say whole entire. Some people know who I really am and I love them for accepting that but the others just look at me an throw me away, things needs to change and I need to change it now. 

But yes the life accomplishment of the month is where I reached the summit even though I had to spent two hours in the hospital cause I was going through some major dehydration and diarrhea, but I am all well now.
Can't wait to see you on my next blog where I cry about my insecurities again while showing you my new video so stay tuned!  

Land of Opportunity - A Great Big World

Sunday, March 02, 2014


I'm here to talk about the one thing we all love: art. What is art? Art is what you call beauty. One thing I like about art is that there is no mistake in anything. No matter how messy it seems, no matter how much you screw up, you can still call it art and make it look perfect and making it look like its your thing to paint a master piece out of a mistake. In math when you make a mistake, you're wrong, you have to do it all over again. But that doesn't happen in art. In art everything is art starting from a tiny messy splat on your canvas, in to a human like painting. You don't have to think much in art you just need to know the techniques and express yourself freely but gently. Even though I haven't found myself in art, I still like it as if it is my passion. Look at me, talking about art as if I know everything about it. Here I have some of my favorites: (These are not mine no)

I used to take painting lessons back in the days when I still had time for myself. Now I have a full schedule for every day in a week and the painting course place was far away from my house so my mom had to drive me every week and I guess she got tired that's why she wouldn't let me go anymore. You must wonder "It's only painting, why do you need a teacher for that?" no. It's not a "just painting". And besides we still paint by ourselves but our tutor gives us advice on what to do to add details that's it. I love it there, it's full of peace and full of people with passion. But there's this one kid who couldn't stop talking and...ah I can't tell you the rest. I really really miss painting. Looking at those paintings in my school hall reminds me of who I was and what I like the most. Can't believe my last painting was back in 2012. 

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Youtuber, to be or not to be?

I heard about this theory, when you have a dream to be something or to have something, write it down, believe it believe what you wrote, imagine the time where you are doing the things you are dreaming, imagine you're holding the thing you are craving for, hang it on the wall or on your studying desk or any place you want as long as you can see it everyday. And when it's the right time, it'll come true. And then so I tried AND IT ACTUALLY WORKED. I printed a picture of a penny board with blue board and purple wheels and then, literally that night my friend called she said she was in Bali and saw a bunch of penny boards and I asked her to buy me one!yeay! But I'm still not allowed to penny board cause I'm still in the middle of an exam and it's a rainy day lately so haven't used it outside but I promise I'll be a pro before 2014. Speaking of 2014...... it comes down to the point of year where I write down all my accomplishments of the year 2013! maybe in the next post I'll write it down later. 

And besides penny board I also printed a volkswagen beetle mobil, as you can see that had been my dream car since ages. I know it's pretty small and only can fit up a few but it's still so classy! The first thing I'd do when I get the car I would change the whole interior so it would be more comfy:) I told my mom about the "theory" and asked "how come it worked on the penny board but it hasn't worked on the vw beetle yet?" and she said something that has been echoing in my head up until now "that's because allah gave it to you because he knows you're ready. You're not ready to get a beetle yet, you don't even have license! I know one day you will, because you know you're ready" my mom can be pretty wise sometimes, i know. 

And next to the VW Beetle I also printed a YouTube logo because every time I watch my favorite youtuber, I always dream in being a youtuber and get to talk to a lot of people and just go out there and have the ability to do something new and legendary. I also get to meet cool people online, it just seem so fun. Blogging is for a start, maybe one day I'll become a part of indonesian youtubers. All along I've been talking about making youtube videos to my friends and I think I successfully annoyed them cause I can't stop talking about how wonderful it'd be! But some days I have my doubts. Some days I think, what if people wouldn't like me on youtube? what if they don't accept me because I wear a hijab? what if i would be like one of the abandoned ones? all those negative thinkings pop up in my head like whoah. I don't like all those negative thoughts haunting me, but we always have to think about the pros and cons. But what motivates me is about thinking how much more experiences I'm gonna make, how many cool people I get to meet, how life changing it would be. I actually already started on writing ideas for youtube videos! what i'm gonna say, what i'm gonna do, just everything. I'll just have to wait until I take off my braces and consider this again. I mean, what do you think? Youtuber, to be or not to be?